Type of Loss

For my client’s the death of a partner is so disorienting. They pick up the phone to discuss the smallest thing.  When they think about weekend plans they just see bleak and lonely.  The house is so, so quiet.  Eerily so.

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Their relationships change. Thursday night couple dates are missing someone. They aren’t sure they should go or if their even still wanted – they’re not a pair anymore. Their partner was the one who kept that one relationship going. They’re realizing so much of their independence was counting on the safety and security of having someone in their corner.

And most people don’t see that. They don’t see the moments they pick up the phone to ask their partner to run an errand or turn over in bed and there’s no one there. Everyone wants them to be okay by now, but they just can’t quite get there.

My clients are going through the motions. They are still attending the events, buying their groceries and keeping their house ‘somewhat clean’. But it doesn’t feel the same. They sometimes start to feel joy again, but then quickly feel guilty. They never want to love again and that feels loyal but also scary. They want to feel better but they don’t see a way out of the grief.

My clients and I walk through all the aspects of loss of their person. The hardest things – the longing to be held, the things that might be easier now - they don’t have to pick up the five glasses strewn across the house, the things they cannot talk about with their closest people – they had a huge fight the day before.

We make sense of how their loss has impacted them. And I help them discover a way to enjoy life, one that honors and stays connected to their partner while finding purpose and pleasure again.

For my client’s, the loss of a sibling can feel a bit confusing. They miss their sibling, but it seems there are others’ who are grieving more – parents, partners, children. Sometimes when the others in their life are grieving too, there’s this collective messaging of “we’re all getting better aren’t we?”. They want each other to be okay which accidentally signals to each other “be okay!”. And whose turn is to grieve today?

They want to support their loved ones and it often seems someone else’s’ grief more important. There’s no space in their relationships to grieve BIG and they need to grieve BIG. Often my client’s are experiencing their grief in isolation because their making sure everyone else is okay.

I help clients explore the aspects of their grief, the relationship they had, and the relationship they wanted, and what their missing. Client’s learn how to connect with their family members in collective grief without sacrificing their individual grief. And how to live in this reconstructed family without their sibling.

My clients usually come to therapy for a non-death loss when they've lost a relationship, a dream, a job ... anything that feels like your life isn't what you wanted or planned and now their facing this new reality and grieving what was or what could have been. 

For my client’s, a parent’s death goes one direction or the other.

If their relationship with their parent was strong and loving, they feel out on their own for the first time in some strange way. Their anchor of being known from the time we were born until now is gone. They know they were loved and that love gave them strength that they didn’t know they were relying on.

If their relationship was fractured, they feel relief. There’s no more pressure to attend holidays and have the awkward conversations or to find a birthday present that they didn’t really want to send. And sometimes, there’s confusion. They start to feel something like grief, but there’s a sneaking feeling that it’s more the grief of what they could have had in a parent or should have had. It’s more of a grief of the life, the relationship, not the death.

I help clients explore their parent as a person, the relationship they had, the relationship they wanted. We make sense of the impact on my client’s life and how they want to move forward.

For my client’s, their child’s death is … too deep for words. They feel the ache for their child’s smell or smile, the anger of what happened, the grief for the future, the need to love and care for their remaining children, the confusion about a world in which this could happen.

They know people care, but they start to feel like maybe others don’t quite get it. They meet people in the grocery store who ask them the dreaded “how are you doing?” and want to scream “How do you think I’m doing!”. They see the pity in others’ eyes, like they don’t know what to say. And my client’s don’t know either. And they’re kind of angry at the rest of the world for moving on. But they don’t want to stay where they are either. They may have other children that they want to be the best mom or dad they can be for. Their children are grieving too and how do they make space for everyone to grieve while still celebrating birthdays and holidays and enjoying life as a family?

I help clients hang on to everything thing they want to regarding their child, who they were, who they didn’t get to be. I help them make sense of their child’s death – and their life. And I help them explore how to live well now. How to stay connected to their precious child while having joy again. And living the life that they want for themselves and their family.

The “other” loved one sometimes gets overlooked by the world. My clients are often grieving their BEST friend who knew them better than any family member. Their pet who greeted them with unreserved joy everyday. Their cousin that they grew up with and shared all their favorite memories.

I help clients honor the importance of this relationship in their life, explore the impact of the loss on them, and learn how to move forward while keeping their love and memories with them.